


I Say Game U Say Grl

by Latia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-05 23:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/729226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latia/pseuds/Latia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All's fair in love, war, and headshotting Spies. Dave and John are about to learn this the hard way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Threeley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threeley/gifts).



> This is A VERY LATE birthday present for my dear friend Threeley, who is a sweet amazing writer who deserves a more punctutal friend than me aaaaa
> 
> (also i have literally never played Team Fortress 2 before sorry if i get some stuff wrong argh)

Oh, sure, it starts innocently enough.

TG: haha yeah but seriously rox

TG: i dont think i like what youre implying

TG: well good 4 u! because i deffers am not implying anything

TG: ....so much as

TG: i am

TG: SAYING

TG: sorry lil bro

TG: u cant play w/ the big girls ;)

TG: oh what

TG: fucking bullshit is what this is

TG: just cause im not queen game geek like you doesnt mean i cant bust heads in tf2

TG: thats MISS queen game geek to u squirt >:3

TG: related note stop calling me stuff like squirt and lil bro

TG: were basically the same fucking age 

GG: Ah-ah! Not quite! 

GG: Since we spent five months in our game before you and John and all the rest crashed your charming little heads into our session,

GG: and I, the youngest of our band of misfits, was just turning sixteen...

TG: oh for the love of

GG: That would put Dirk, Jake, and Roxy at about sixteen years...

GG: and five months. :B

TG: yesssss sweet validation<3 

TG: up top 2 u janey

TG: oh come ON that barely even counts

EB: pfffft, shut up dave.

EB: aren't you always going on about how you're older than rose...

EB: even though you're the same age,

EB: even though you were created at pretty much the same second,

EB: and even though the only thing that might put you at older than her through your weird dumbass raplogic,

EB: is a literal day?

TG: shut up

EB: /lifts eyebrow

TG: young man you put that down this instant

EB: /lifts other eyebrow

TG: you know that is completely different

EB: what! no it isn't!

GG: No it isn't!!

TG: no it isnt ;D

TG: ...

TG: my point still stands

TG: UUUUUUGGGH

What starts as John casually asking Roxy what video games she might have been able to swipe from the future turns into Roxy bemoaning the fate of gaming beyond 2021. It then turns into a tangent about how EVERY SEASONED GAMER (John wasn't quite sure where she found these seasoned gamers to compare notes on, but okay) knows how the 2000s were the peak of gaming what with the downfall of humanity and the shutdown of Valve. Dave had then piped up how he had racked up some pretty high TF2 scores in Back In The Day, and, amazingly, the conversation managed to go downhill from there.

TG: come on

TG: nope!

TG: yes

TG: no

TG: yes

TG: no

TG: yes

TG: nopers

TG: yes

TG: nine :P

TG: ja

TG: no x a thousand

TG: oh do you really want to play this game with me

TG: the whole point of this tg squared showdown is that i dont want to play ANY games with you squirt

TG: have you not been taking notes??? jesus get a goddamn PEN

TG: seriously

EB: UUUUUUUUUGH.

EB: holy shit i can't take this anymore!! it's like valentine's day is barfing right into my eyeballs!!!

GG: Agreed! My computer screen could do with some cooler hues, I'd say.

GG: Do you two even remember why you started this candy-coated smackdown?

TG: insufferable prick over here thinks hes better than me at tf2 >:(

TG: and miss most likely to die by chronic cat lady wont let me prove her wrong with some one on one

TG: u cant DO one on one in tf2 dummy that is the POINT

TG: and oh my GOD stop calling me a cat lady??? GEEZ

TG: sorry rox i can not tell a lie

TG: i see your future and it is a death full of fuzzy cat ass right in your face

TG: call rose and say shes out of a job

TG: i am the seer

TG: it is me

GG: OKAY!! 

GG: Dave, while your tangents are charming as ever, I find that conversations with you tend to involve a surprisingly large amount of discussion of animals, asses, and uncomfortably varied combinations of the two.

GG: So how about we try to avoid derailing this trainwreck of a conversation any further?

EB: pfft might as well, i don't think we can hurt its feelings too much more at this point.

EB: HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA:

EB: why don't you solve this baffling conundrum...

EB: ...of trying to find out who is better at a dumb video game...

EB: ...by playing the dumb video game??

GG: WOW, WHAT A CAPITAL IDEA JOHN!! HOW *DID* YOU EVER THINK OF IT?? :)

EB: I KNOW RIGHT?? WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT OF SUCH A PLAN?? :)

TG: okay wise guy/gal u have made your point/s

TG: yeah dudes lets chill with the sardonic smilies those are dangerous you know

EB: :|

GG: :B

TG: okay FINE i guess i can let u show your stuff strider-sequel

TG: fuck yes

TG: HOWEVER that still doesnt change the fact that we need some other guys

TG: 1 on 1 tf2 is basically just throwing bricks at each other 

TG: aka surprisingly not that fun

TG: hmm 

TG: yes

TG: where can we possibly find

TG: more players

GG: ...

EB: ...

TG: ...:3

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

It happens so fast. Despite Jane and John's weak protests (more an act than anything, their curiosity as seeing the end of this piqued), they are roped onto Team Game Grls and Team Slim Shadies, respectively. With John's help a few more players are recruited to round out each team.

DAVE: wait are you  
  
DAVE: are you sure these guys can play  
  
DAVE: like  
  
DAVE: for starters do they know what a computer is  
  
DAVE: can they find the computer  
  
JOHN: uh, duh? what, do you think i was just sitting on my ass and drooling for three years?  
  
DAVE: do i need to answer that question  
  
JOHN: i'll have you know that nakmaster89 held a high score on the Ghostbusters RPG for nine consecutive months! and he was only knocked down because xxbubble_blasterxx over here took him down!  
  
DAVE:  
  
DAVE: im  
  
DAVE: going to assume thats impressive or something  
  
JOHN: yes it is!!  
  
DAVE: how do you even get high scores in ghostbusters  
  
DAVE: how many ghosts have to be busted  
  
DAVE: how many ectoexistences have been ruined for your sick kicks  
  
DAVE: how many innocent ghost families have been torn apart by your insatiable bustlust  
  
DAVE: huh john  
  
JOHN: dave do you want the fucking salamanders or not

 

In the end, each team rounds up to a full nine players, with each human pair commanding seven assorted consorts. A small snag is hit during the preperation--

 

JOHN: wait, so what am i supposed to be?  
  
DAVE: heavy  
  
JOHN: i mean in the game asshole.  
  
DAVE: what  
  
DAVE: no thats the class  
  
DAVE: youre the heavy  
  
JOHN: oh.  
  
JOHN: wait so who--  
  
JOHN: what! no way, not him!   
  
DAVE: dude hes like the strongest guy in the game  
  
JOHN: yeah but he's obviously super slow!  
  
DAVE: hes like   
  
DAVE: a little slow  
  
JOHN: i bet i can't--see i can barely move! a snail could kick my ass!  
  
DAVE: youll be fine  
  
DAVE: the consorts will be cannon fodder youll do the heavy damage  
  
DAVE: ill do the delicate stuff  
  
JOHN: oh yeah, YOU get to the be the baseball guy. i wanted to be the baseball guy!  
  
DAVE: hes not a baseball guy hes a scout  
  
DAVE: baseballs dont have scouts  
  
JOHN: are you sure?  
  
DAVE:   
  
DAVE: wait   
  
DAVE: do they  
  
JOHN: i dunno dave,  
  
JOHN: DO they?  
  
DAVE:  
  
DAVE:  
  
DAVE: shut up  
  
JOHN: which one's the pee one? you should be that one.  
  
DAVE: DUDE

 

\--on both sides, it seems.

JANE: Roxy while I do appreciate you inviting me to join you in the delights of gory tomfoolery...

JANE: Well, the fact of the matter is I've never played this game! And I wouldn't want to drag you down or anything...

ROXY: pfft jane relax ull b fine

ROXY: its all pushing buttons and stuff u pick this type of stuff up quick smart

JANE: Mmm...

JANE: Well, which one of these gentlemen should I pick to play?

ROXY: go 4 the heavy

JANE: What?

JANE: This bald one?

ROXY: which bald one

ROXY: theres like 3 bald ones

ROXY: most of them hide it under hats and shit but the baldness hides just beneath the surface

ROXY: like a disease

JANE: Um-

ROXY: or u kno just look for the one labeled heavy

JANE: So the exceptionally large man with the preposterously huge gun?

ROXY: bingo

ROXY: thats ur guy

JANE: Er.

ROXY: er what

JANE: Wellllll,

JANE: I was, 

JANE: maybe hoping for something more...

JANE: maneuverable?

ROXY: maneuverable

JANE: I mean, this class certainly seems to pack a punch! But, it seems he'd have to sacrifice a great deal of speed for that kind of firepower.

JANE: Maybe I could be the

JANE: Ah, what's his name, the baseball-

ROXY: janey

ROXY: we have been over this

ROXY: he is not a baseball guy

ROXY: baseballs dont have scouts

ROXY: scouts do not play baseball

JANE: I'm just saying! Strider seems like the fellow to stick to speedy types.

JANE: And I'll hardly be a worthy opponent if I'm out for all of five seconds before getting turned into swiss cheese by one of those Brokeback fellows!

ROXY: yeah but

ROXY: wait

ROXY: brokeback fellow

JANE: Ah, you know! The one who sits in high places and shoots! With the Brokeback accent.

ROXY: 

ROXY: 

ROXY: janey

ROXY: sweetie

JANE: What?

ROXY: outback

ROXY: u mean outback

ROXY: as in australia

ROXY: as in the sniper

JANE: Right, exactly!

JANE: Outback. Why did I say Brokeback?

ROXY: jane

 

 

ROXY: omg

JANE: What??

ROXY: just

ROXY: omg

ROXY: ur really cute <333

JANE: Psh. :B

ROXY: even if that was a lil racist

JANE: What!

ROXY: BACK 2

ROXY: the matter at hand....

JANE: Ah, yes.

JANE: Well, consider this! As I said, based on what I've been able to deduce from Mister Strider, he seems the type to favor a player with speed.

JANE: Probably one of those baseball fellows.

ROXY: JANE

JANE: ;B

JANE: Okay, but seriously! More likely than not he will go for the Scout--an offensive type. And since you've picked a supporting class, you'll need someone with firepower to back you up.

ROXY: :O

ROXY: jane crocker

ROXY: are u sayin ur strategizing this out?? based on class types???

JANE: Perhaps.

JANE: Hoo hoo. :B

ROXY: omg <33333 okay u earned urself like a billion nerd babe points

ROXY: shine on u crazy diamond

ROXY: BUT

ROXY: the point still stands

ROXY: as a heavy you can give me offensive backup

JANE: True!

JANE: But I think this class could give me offense AND speed.

ROXY: which cla

ROXY: oh

ROXY: OH

ROXY: janey r u sure ur up 4 this? this is p advanced for a newbie

JANE: In the name of kicking the tails of our male psuedorelatives?

JANE: Damn straight.

ROXY: :D

 

In the end though, everything is set.

 

TG: so

TG: are we game

TG: we r 

TG: quite certainly

TG: game :3

 

 

3\. 2. 1.


End file.
